Tornado Bree [entries|friends|calendar] Breeetarded [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

Ugh [Tuesday April 22nd 9:38pm] [ mood | distressed ] this sucks. the two amazing best friends that I have can't come to my graduation :( This sucks. Stupid internships. I am trying to stay positive about all this, I know she has to do this for her career, and I know he has to do it because it is his family. but it just sucks so much. I hate it when I get this selfish all the time, and I hate my fucking emotions just taking over me, to the point where I feel lonely as fuck. I hate Death of a Salesmen (not really, amazing book but I hate how I relate to a character.) I hate how it shows how much I contradict myself on a daily basis. just fuck it all. CMNT

A little better....but [Thursday March 27th 10:20pm] [ mood | bored ] I finally got out of my bath, I am feeling a bit better than I did yesterday. Thanks to brendan giving me strep but it is alright. Builds up the good ole immunity system! My hands and feet are still a bit red from the rash from the meds I am allergic to, but my elbows and knees are still a rashy but give it the weekend and I’ll be better. My vacation was a meaningful trip, I finally met the most amazing people I have ever met. I know that sounds silly for only hanging out with them a few times. Sadly I feel a bit lonely since I came back to Arizona. When i was out in California I felt I finally found people I could hang out with on a regular basis. I felt accepted by everyone, no one judged me. Every building looks the same out here. Everyone looks so fake, except for when I was hanging out with everyone. They looked real, they never looked or acted fake, they seemed to be true to themselves and I am actually jealous of them. I am still trying to find myself. I have a few friends here, but in California I felt at home, I could do whatever I wanted and I could be anyone I wanted. I miss being out there :( I miss being surrounded by so many wonderful positive people. But I need to work out finding who I am so I can be more of a positive person. CMNT

What is the Truth anymore? [Tuesday March 11th 10:22pm] [ mood | annoyed ] [ music | 30 Seconds to Mars - R-Evolve ] What is the truth anymore? From what I have been told recently about life, is that in all reality it is meaningless? You are born, you go through life getting papers saying your creditable to do something, for an example fix a plane. Then you hit middle age, have a crisis go through life again and then you die. But in the big seam of things, you have no real point to existence anymore. Helping a old lady go across the street for a act of random kindness, so you can receive good karma in a very short amount of time, is that really worth it? Does that affect the universe at all? Another thing that has been told to me as of lately, is the truth. As from society trends and what not, everything is told through word of mouth. People lie. How am I suppose to believe someone? I know people with a certification in something, say "hey look I have these papers saying that I am right and you are wrong." What if all those facts that you hold onto near and dear, were total lies. What is the point anymore to going on, believing in something, when it seems that all they are is lies. Personally I don't know anymore. From what others have told me, is that I need to know the truth. Why should I believe in something? What if it makes me happy? What if being in my bubble disassociating myself from the world around me, and just gazing off into the universe is what I want to do? So fucking what if it isn't socially correct? You can't be independent anymore, because there are a group of people out there, that do the exact same thing, that you are fighting for to be original. Originality is only a dream now. You can't even be creative anymore, because someone before you probably thought of that idea. Back on the subject of disassociating, I think I can see why some people go insane now. Because there are the groups of conformist that tell others that they are wrong. What is SO WRONG with being happy? What is so wrong about gazing out of your own pathetic world and going to another one? What is SO fucking wrong with that? Life fucking sucks due to society pressures and working. Trying to be a good person, etc etc. I have been questioning existence lately, of the point of being here, I came up with that I don't believe that some guy in the sky in the sky got bored one day and just flipped a switch and thus there we are. I think we are born to find our own reason to live. It being either for an object, a person, something your passionate about...whatever. Then me being told that I am wrong about that?! Why is that so wrong? Why can't ONE idea I have be what I want it to be? I know it probably isn't the truth, but at least it makes me happy. Thoughts running through my head about my life and what not. Right now, I know some people will look at this and be like "why is she being so emo right now, blahblahblah." But I am writing this because that is what I feel, Honestly I have lived a good life, I have hurdles to still overcome. I haven't done anything too bad. But Right now I see no point anymore. READ 3 CMNT

Emotions as of Lately. [Wednesday December 26th 5:45pm] [ mood | amused ] [ music | Backstreet boys - That's the way I like it. ] As of lately I have been in all kinds of moods. (Yay for mood swings!) These are just a few of the emotions I have been feeling lately. 1) Alone & Miserable: Reason: My ex showed up here a few weeks ago and that showed me that I am very much so over with him. (He was so gross and ugly, I don't even know as of why I liked him.) Other reasons; I like this guy (I will use the word Baka, because that describes him totally, it is also a nickname I give him from time to time.) He is a 25 year old odd ball that I met on here, he came out to see me, in November. Which were the best three days of my life, he is the biggest influence in my life. He has changed my way of thinking, how I see life lately, and also got me into a few unhealthy items, that most people wouldn't see me doing in a million years. Also turned me into a hypocrite, which I am anyways so nothing new there. I am head over heels in love with him, but there are so many reasons as of WHY that it isn't a good idea for us to even be together. So I am in that dilemma and I am so depressed over this, I know in my mind that it'll never work out between us right now. My heart says otherwise and it is driving me crazy because I totally want to be with him. Which brings forth other emotions, due to the solid fact that we can't be together. I want to have a boyfriend, I am probably only want one to fill that lonely void in my mind. Also I want a boyfriend due to I can't get the one person that I really want, so why not just go for second best. Which brings up another emotion with the loneliness, maybe I just want said "boyfriend" for a sexual reason. From the past guys I have seen, I can't stand the touchy feely kind, because I don't like being touched, and I can't stand the overly sweet ones. Baka to me is a unique person that I can empathize with on a daily basis. He and I are like the same person but all I will be considered is a "friend" which I can't stand being. Anger & Envy; Reasons: Baka's ex. He is in madly love with her and I am both Angry and Envious with this situation. It breaks my heart to the core, She already has a boyfriend! But when baka and I were talking on the phone one night, when he was in such a depressed mood, he talked about her with such reverence and she seems like the coolest person ever. Which in turns makes me feel like shit, because I want to be that, I want someone to think that way about me. But I highly doubt I will ever be that way. So there are my emotions, well I am just stopping this because kelly called and her and I are going to be jamming out tonight to Backstreet boys and *Nysnc. So now I am happy :) CMNT

Worest Week Ever [Sunday December 9th 3:15pm] [ mood | amused ] [ music | 3rd Rock from the Sun ] So yah, I had a horrible week, I mean like shitty I want to drink away my sorrows in a bottle of nyquil. So I thought a smoke of weed would be a better idea. So I did, I was soooo high yesterday, but that has been the most I have ever smiled in the entire week. Anyways! I found my old spice girls CD! While looking for some of my dogs sweaters in the garage! I found old Backstreet boys albums and SPICE GIRLS! :] Best ending to a horrible week! Also some more Nysnc and some ACTUALLY GOOD Brittey Spears albums too. Ahhh the sweet times of childhood, oh yah I found some odd home movies too. Will is going to be here soon so later! CMNT

Deepthinking and Relocating the void in my mind. [Saturday December 1st 10:34pm] [ mood | confused ] [ music | Cake - Ruby Sees All ] why is it that he is all I can think about? I am too young to be obbesssed with anything, but at times. He makes this whole realtionship seem like it is nothing. Even though we aren't even together anymore. We're friends, but in love? I show my affection to him in cute sweet ways but that creeps him out? He says he is giving me a hard time, but maybe there is some slight truth in there? A month ahs pasted since I last saw him. Is the reason why I like him so much that he is totally different from will? Possibly. I try to understand his reasonings in the hobbies that he has. I respect his time with his friends. In a way I am jealous of his life. He says that he isn't a good person but he is just doing what he wants and not letting anyone get in his way. Why is it that I look up to him in that way? Is this just an infatuation? Why is it that I am digging up his life? To see what he does? To see his life outside of me? Investagations...the never ending span of investigating. I sit by the phone awaiting to hear his soft toned voice, and his cute laugh that just makes me smile. Why is it that somedays, I am head over heels in love with him and then the next moment he talks about one dislike that I have, I begin to rethink everything about him? I am so lost in him. Why does my grandmother say I am so above people, and that I am gifted? Why is it that I don't feel that what so ever? I look back on my sort blockbuster hour and a half video life, and realize that I have so much self hate for myself. Today I am in a werid mood, I am happy and depressed at the same time. My emotions are like this bi-polar like weather we are having. Maybe there is a full moon this week? I want him to call. I want to sleep, but I can't? I want to do more out of the oridinary things, but I am self restraining myself from doing them. I feel very out of place in my world right now. Modest Mouse and Brendan seem to keep me sane atleast. I want to talk to Mr. Brown so badly, I need a talk from someone, my english teeacher possibly. Maybe I am in a realization of myself and personaility changing, I feel like I am in a war with my psychiee, and my good morals and what I was rasied upon. Why am I turning into something I have told myself over and over again that I hate? Why am I doing the very things I've said that I would never do? Is it that rush of exictement that everyone gets that you know, you're doing something your not suppose to? All these questions are swimming through my head like a vast pool of confusion and questionability? CMNT

Isn't it amazing that you turn into the very object you hate? [Saturday December 1st 4:32pm] [ mood | contemplative ] [ music | Modest Mouse - Steam Engenius ] I swear Brendan is turning me into a slight hippie. Not like those 1960's hippes that we all know and love. Just in general a hippie. Curse his musical taste that is oh so good. I don't think I have washed my hair in a while now. I need to wash it here soon, it is gross also I am containing it all into my Amsterdam Hat, and over that a moose hat with christmas lights and on top of that a bunny ears. He and I have this bet going that, I will not shave my legs for a year. I might reduce that bet for six months. Due to the other obligations that might arise during that time period. No school monday and I have a meeting wendesday and then a hiking trip and on that same day a school dance. Oh yah. I love walking outside in my bare feet, very fun feeling ;] Winter rye is amazing <3 CMNT

New LJ [Friday November 30th 10:21pm] [ mood | artistic ] [ music | Modest Mouse - Bury Me With It ] I needed to start have a new LJ, due to I wanted to. Also that I figured it would be a good fresh start and to get rid of the akward memories of the other one. My one addiction lately has been Modest Mouse. Fucking a, this band is amaizng and just right now this band speaks to me. Their music just makes me so relaxed and I can just release my frustrations on the world (Also that is what this LJ is for). I just remembered how I met my friend Brendan (oh yeah sure friend.) So today I hung out with the nortouris gay will, and I met his new boy toy. Intersting and his sister and I would totally get along due to the same personility traits. Amazing. I am baking cookies tomorrow and I had just a random thought. How is it that one day you are totally head over heels in love with someone, then if they say something werid or something you don't agree with, you feel out of place? I need a bath & a massage. Also I wish this godforsaken rain would just stop pouring, this shit is getting crazy. And to agree with this song "I am dead and I wish I was sleeping" oh yeah...we can't stop here this is bat country. Fear and Loathing Las Vegas is the funnist movie ever. 20 days until Kelli comes back. I need her. READ 2 CMNT

[Friday November 30th 10:20pm] test CMNT

navigation [ viewing | most recent entries ]